Where Were You When I needed You?

I will never forget that night. I will never forget the screams. I will never forget the sorrow. I will never forget their face. I will never forget the loss. Rewind just a few months prior, and we were celebrating the news that we were having twins. Though we were somewhat scared of the prospect of not only one but two children to take care of, it was welcome news to both Bianca and me as we had struggled through four previous miscarriages to get to this moment. After our first miscarriage, we had even received a prophecy that God would give us a double portion for the loss of our first child, so naturally, we took this as God keeping true to His promise. However, on that fateful night, everything changed.  

I had fallen asleep. I knew Bianca was cramping, but that didn’t matter, we prayed, and it was all going to be okay. Bianca also had, throughout the day, shown spotting of blood, but that didn’t matter, we had a Word from the Lord, and it was going to come to pass. The doctor had told us earlier that there was a possibility of losing one of the twins, but that was okay; we decreed and declared, God would not fail us… this time… right?  

As I leaped from the bed, it seemed to take an eternity to reach the restroom door that was a mere 10 feet away. My mind raced at the possibilities of what I was about to see, but nothing could prepare for what lay on the other side of that door. As I burst through the door, I saw Bianca holding one of the twins in her hands, apologizing profusely to him that she had let this happen somehow. I tried to console Bianca, but she was so distraught and heartbroken, there wasn’t much I could say… all I could do was hold her and weep. We then sat in our room stunned and in shock. I texted Pastor Eb and said, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away but blessed be the Name of the Lord.” He called us instantly and did his best to console us. After talking with him, we wrapped the babies up and placed them in a bag. I began to question God at this point. I said, “You told us there would be a double portion, yet here we are…and here I am bagging up my child like a common piece of trash! You said that You would be there for us, but where are You now. Is this how You treat Your people? Why does it seem like You are there for everyone else, but Where are You in moments I need You most?” Do you know what He said to me? Absolutely nothing, and it broke me.  

I did not talk to God for several days, but the strange thing… I knew He was there. Even Bianca felt Him during our time of grief. A woman in our congregation, at the time, said that God had shown her Jesus sitting next to Bianca, and He was holding her. God was showing us that He never left us. He was showing us that even in our anger, grief, and disappointment, that He would be there for us and still hold true to His promise.  

I began to ask God, “Why did this happen?” His response to me was, “Your view is limited, and that is why I only showed you. My promise to you and not what it would take to get to that promise. It is the journey to the promise that is the hardest.” God began to show me, throughout His Word, examples of this. From Abraham, who was promised seed that was numbered with the stars in the sky and the sands of the earth yet only seeing one son of promise in Isaac (Genesis 16-22). To Joseph, to whom he had shown, through dreams, his own family bowing before him. Yet the road to get to this promise was paved with betrayal, slavery, temptation, and injustice before God brought Him to the promise (Genesis 37-50). He then showed me Moses and said, “Remember the anger you showed towards me after losing the twins? Moses had that same anger towards the Children of Israel, and through his actions, His anger became wrath towards Me as He disobediently struck the Rock twice (Exodus-Deuteronomy). From that one act, Moses never tasted my promise for him but had to settle for a distant look” (I believe Moses may have died from a broken heart.) God told me, “Be careful not to let your anger turn to wrath towards Me, lest I fulfill through your children what was meant to be fulfilled by you.” I was taken aback by the magnitude of this statement, and I knew that my finite mind would never fully understand the plans and purposes of an infinite God. 

It took us some time, but we remembered God’s promise to us and decided to trust Him with our whole hearts. We began to see 11:11 everywhere, and God led us to Hebrews 11:11, “By faith, Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past age because she judged Him faithful who had promised.”  

One day, God told me to ask Bianca, “If God never gave you a child, would you still worship Him?” She began to cry and said, “Yes.” Two weeks later, we found out we were pregnant again, and on August 31, 2016, our beautiful daughter, Kailea, was born. Due to her being premature, she was in the NICU for 6 weeks, and on October 8, 2016, we went and picked her up from the hospital to bring her home, and after we buckled her in the car seat, I turned on the car and the clock read 11:11. Talk about God speaking. On August 16, 2019, God fulfilled the rest of his promise with the birth of our little Melina.  

My friends do not lose hope with many of us who have suffered through recent trials and losses. Do not lose sight of the fact that God is still faithful even in times that we do not understand and comprehend… He is still faithful to bring His promise to you to pass. It will cost you something though, your pride for humility; your independence for surrender. 2 Corinthians 4:17 says, “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” Romans 5:3-4 says, “Not only that but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  So never lose hope because, without hope, you cannot have faith, and without faith, you cannot please God. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things HOPED for and the evidence of things not seen.”   

I know the pain may still be too close for some of you, but know that He’s there, and He’s closer than you think. Just know that when you’re ready to pick up the pieces, He will be right there to help you and when you decide to turn those pieces over to Him… He will create a masterpiece.